


I Miss You

by sister_wolf



Series: Devil's Road [3]
Category: Hard Core Logo (1996), Lone Hero (2002), due South
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-01-08
Updated: 2004-01-08
Packaged: 2017-10-12 09:39:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/123495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sister_wolf/pseuds/sister_wolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If he's being honest with himself, Ray guesses he's been not-exactly-straight for quite a while now.  Like, since sophomore year of high school.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Miss You

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place after _Hard Core Logo_ and includes spoilers for the end of the movie. Knowledge of _Lone Hero_ is definitely not necessary to read this; those of you who do remember the movie will notice that I've changed canon in a few significant places. Huge thanks to my awesome betas, Brooklinegirl, Heuradys, and Justacat.
> 
> IMPORTANT WARNING: This series is unfinished and will never be finished. It also ends at a particularly bad point in the plot. I really do apologize for that.

"I thought this was supposed to be easier to do the other way," Ray says, staring down the length of his own body at where Cal kneels between his thighs.

"Which one of us is the expert here?" Cal's strong fingers continue spreading around slick stuff in an area that Ray usually tries not to think about too much.

It's weird enough, at almost forty, to be just finding out that he's not quite as straight as he always thought he was. Finding out that he wants to get fucked-- that's serious, there, that's crossing the line.

Then again, maybe he crossed the line a long time ago. He's pretty sure most straight guys don't have a habit of occasionally trading blowjobs in bar restrooms. So, if he's being honest with himself, Ray guesses he's been not-exactly-straight for quite a while now. Like, since sophomore year of high school.

"Holy shit. I'm gay. Ish." It's a pretty serious revelation, Ray thinks, and doesn't really deserve Cal's reaction, which is to collapse on the bed, laughing his head off. "Hey!"

"Fuck, Ray, you gotta warn me before you say shit like that." Cal is still laughing a little.

"I'm serious. I never thought I was... whatever. Bisexual. I just figured, well, they got an itch, I got an itch, why not scratch it together?" Now that he thinks about it, it's pretty thin reasoning.

Cal sighs and shifts up the bed until he's lying on Ray's right side, with his head on Ray's chest. There's a pause and a bit of fumbling, and his fingers come back to where they were before, but substantially slicker. "Ray. It's entirely possible that you're a mostly-straight guy who enjoys being a little flexible. But I doubt it."

"Why?" Ray strokes a hand across the warm, soft skin of Cal's shoulders.

"Because you're in love with Fraser." Cal's fingers pause, and then one slides in a little. It feels weird, but-- not bad. Ray bends his left leg and lifts his hip to give Cal better access. Cal hums contentedly and rubs his head against Ray's arm, like a big cat.

"Yeah," Ray says softly. Cause, really, it's the truth. He's in love with Fraser. Who will never, ever, love him back as anything but a friend.

"So why am I here, not Fraser?" Cal's doing something with his fingers, it feels like-- more-- but it feels good.

"Well, I picked you up at a bar--" Ray begins to say, but Cal nips him sharply on the side. "Ow! Fuck, you got a mean streak." He ignores the muttered _you have no idea_ and continues, seriously, "Because he's straight. And he's my best friend. And he left. He went back to the frozen armpit of the world to make sure that people can tuck their kids in at night. And that caribou can tuck their, um, baby caribou in at night, or something."

"That sucks." Cal's voice is surprisingly sympathetic. "So he's a good guy, this guy that I'm standing in for?"

Ray winces. "Dammit. You're not--"

"Ray." Cal stops what he's doing and props himself up on an elbow. "I don't care if I'm a substitute. To be perfectly fucking honest with you, I'd rather not be myself right now. So. You tell me about the guy that you're in love with and I'll continue fingering you."

"That's really fucking twisted, Calhoun." Cal just snickers at him. Ray drops his head back against the bedspread and studies the ceiling tiles. "Yeah, Fraser's a good guy. The best. He's a fucking hero. But he's more than that."

"Go on." Cal's quiet, patient voice sounds just like the department shrink, but his fingers are stretching and twisting and doing a whole lot of stuff he sincerely hopes the department shrink has never considered doing to him.

"He's sarcastic. He's proud. He's smarter than most-- oh-- people and he knows it. He's stubborn and obsessive-- oh god-- and never knows when to fucking quit. He-- ah!-- he licks things-- electrical sockets, toxic waste, you name it. He sometimes talks to inanimate-- fffffffuck-- objects." It's getting harder and harder to form complete sentences. He's writhing against the bed, moaning, because whatever the hell Cal is doing down there, it feels fucking _amazing_.

"He sounds like a complete lunatic." Cal sounds amused, but still patient.

"He acts like one, sometimes, but he's just-- he's Fraser. And he's-- oh god-- fuck--" and he knows he's babbling, but he can't stop, because there's something Cal just did that feels like an orgasm, only it isn't, and he just keeps doing it and doing it and-- "fuck me fuck me fuck me--"

"Okay, okay, hold on to your horses." But as relaxed as Cal's words sound, his voice gives him away-- rough and breathless, deeper than usual. There's a crinkling sound-- condom wrapper-- and a pause, shift, pause, _push_.

 _Oh fuck._ Suddenly, Ray isn't so sure about this whole idea, because while it doesn't hurt-- much-- it does feel really fucking weird, and a little unpleasant, and why did this sound like such a good idea?

He's bent like a fucking pretzel, one leg over Cal's shoulder, and Cal is leaning over him, breathing hard, arms trembling, clearly fighting the urge to fuck-- oh fuck-- and then something inside of him eases. It still feels like Cal's cock is motherfucking _huge_ , but it no longer feels like he's about to split Ray apart, and then Cal starts to move-- starts to thrust-- and it's clear that Ray is about to split apart, shatter at the seams, come undone, fuck, he's falling apart here.

Suddenly it's mighty fucking handy that Ray's always been pretty limber, because Cal is leaning forward more, and Ray's leg slips off his shoulder and they shift and-- "ow!" "shit! sorry!"-- and Ray's legs are hooked high around Cal's waist and Cal is leaning over him, weight resting on his elbows. He's looking straight into Cal's eyes and it's not as easy, anymore, to pretend he's Fraser.

Ray closes his eyes. It's _Fraser_ , Fraser making love to him. They're in a little shack in the Canadian wilderness, there's a fire burning in the stove and moose pelts on the bed, and Fraser is holding him and telling Ray he loves him. "Love you too, Frase," Ray murmurs. "Miss you. I miss you so much."

And Fraser smiles at him, and whispers that he misses him too, and then Fraser's saying, insistently, "Open your eyes. Open your eyes, Ray."

So Ray opens his eyes, obediently, because when the hell doesn't he do what Fraser tells him to? But it's not Fraser, it's Calhoun Kingston Mackenzie, what the hell kind of stupid name is that, and he's staring into Ray's eyes and saying, over and over, "Look at me. Look at me."

So Ray looks. And he's still looking when his orgasm catches him off guard, rips him into a million trillion pieces, tears him apart and puts him back together again. And when Cal comes, groaning Ray's name, holding onto him as if he'll fly away if Cal doesn't hold tight enough, Ray's still shaking, still trying to understand the fact that the name he screamed when he came _wasn't Fraser_.

He can't stop shaking, and now he's crying, but Cal holds onto him.

And in Ray's mind, he's seeing that last morning at the airport in Yellowknife, and he's seeing Fraser, his best friend Fraser, smiling and saying he loves him too, and Ray finally understands.

And he says goodbye.


End file.
